One rainy September afternoon an email went out to all employees of a company that they are invited to a happy hour later that day. This was in appreciation for all the hard work the employees were putting in to meet the deadlines of the third quarter of the year. It was also to let the employees find new solutions, vent their frustrations, or just relax and recharge. For those reasons, they also assigned seats at tables of four so people in the same team or working on the same project were not at the same table. Of course, this intention was not announced, and there was no micro-management through activities. The organizers just let things to grow organically. At one particular table sat Selma, Andy, Ava, and Dimitri.
Selma was the first to talk, after introducing herself and asking each of the others to tell their names and what they are working on, she looked at her drink. Selma was delighted that half her glass was full. Yes, she was optimistic about finishing before the deadline. She also trusted her leadership to cut some slack in case things did not go as planned. Clearly, Selma displayed a secure attachment style, and her teammates valued her a lot. However, she was concerned about some folks in her team. She said, “some of my team members although extremely good at their work, are really stressed out and I am concerned this third quarter deadlines are going to make them feel burned out. I hope I can do something”. Selma is displaying a secure attachment style.
Andy was the next to comment. He said, “I can definitely relate to that. Looking back at the past, I have been able to find ideas for our projects to succeed. But every time I get a deadline, I feel anxious. I find out that my efforts are not appreciated. I am close to my team, I am a team player, and I always agree to what we want to do as a team. I also frequently ask my team or my manager for feedback about how I am doing”. Selma jumped in to ask, “and how was the feedback”? To that Andy responded that he felt great when he got approval and praise, but he felt terrible when the feedback was negative. He thought he was asking for feedback hoping for reassurance but was not ready for constructive criticism. Andy was displaying an anxious attachment style.
Then Ava chimed in. She was not even planning to be at the happy hour as she preferred to work on her own and the whole happy hour was a distraction from working on the deadline. However, she was waiting for something from her teammate and that was not going to happen till the end of the happy hour, so she joined. Ava said, “I tend to work independently. I think this whole teamwork thing is overrated. Anyway we all have our tasks and responsibilities that we do individually that we stitch together as a team. I also cannot stand these people who keep asking for help for every little thing. These days you can Google anything, and even get working codes on ChatGPT”. Ava also does not trust the leadership, and overall she is displaying an avoidant attachment style.
Finally Dimitri with a puzzled look offered his thoughts. He said, “I feel on some days I really want to be working as a team, be in meetings, and want reassurance. Importantly, I meet up to know what to work on when that is not very clear. And on other days when I know exactly what to do, I want to be left alone doing my stuff. I really do not need help from others on those days. I love the idea of working a few days from home and a few days from the office. Unfortunately, they do not exactly match with when I want to be with the team and when I want to be on my own. So in a sense, I feel stressed all the time”. Dimitri is displaying a disorganized attachment style which looks like both anxious and avoidant attachment styles spread out over time and/or space.
The four attachment styles that Selma, Andy, Ava, and Dimitri display, i.e. Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized are well studied in the literature, albeit in the personal-relationships front. But there are some good articles on attachment styles in professional settings. Take a look at this, this, this, this, and this for more details. Here are some things to consider to, as Adam Grant says, “make work not suck”.
Knowledge
It is common for folks to think we are all similar, we work in the same company, have pretty much the same background, and have a common goal. But by just having the knowledge that people have different attachment styles, and they navigate human relationships differently, one can develop the necessary compassion to foster a thriving workplace. So this is just knowing that people may be like Selma, Andy, Ava, or Dimitri. But it is critical to not brand anyone as people change with time and place.
Variety
Once we have the knowledge, we also want to switch around activities that appeal to a wide audience. Always having paired problem solving in a classroom is a terrible thing, for example. But we tend to do that because it scales. From time to time we have to try various different things so all types of folks thrive. It would not hurt to find out what kind of activities would benefit whom and try to switch between those activities from time to time. Also, some feel comfortable to discuss in a group while others prefer one-on-one, so switch up the meeting styles too.
Purpose
Working toward a deadline without a clear purpose is a recipe for disaster because it would stress a lot of people out (in particular anyone who is not in a secure attachment style). Also, purposes such as “to delight the leadership” will also not go well for majority that do not trust the leadership. Purposes that aim for the greater good of humankind tend to generally gel well with many. Attachment styles are not fixed and can be influenced by personal growth and self-awareness, leading to more secure and trusting relationships at work over time.